It Seems This Way

It seems this way.  What I mean is that every day about this time I get depressed and I don’t understand why exactly.  I’m generally happy – not super happy, but a content happy.  I enjoy my home.  Love my home in fact!  Yet this darkness invades my soul like a chaotic mix of dread and anxiety.  Images pop into my head that are not healthy.  I think dark thoughts about hurting myself but quickly push them away.

I decided to write today because I have a burning desire in my heart to get out an emotion that is as old as me.  That emotion is tears.  It seems that I cannot cry when my heart is hurting.  I wonder of that is because of the torture I went through in the cult, being told how horrible I was, and then judged if I was really sorry about how bad I was.  The reality is that I wasn’t being bad.  Is asking a question bad?  Is wondering about something that someone said a bad thing?  In my case only if I showed any expression on my face.  The explicit use of expression was a violation of the cult leader.  Only approved expressions were allowed.  So whenever I was caught making any other expression than the approved expressions I was invited into a “session” with the leader and his wife.

What would happen is that he would point out a flaw in my expression and put a name on it such as, “being critical”.  I would deny the accusation because I honestly was not being critical.  I may have squinted, I may have wondered about a statement but not critical! Regardless, scripture was thrown at me like darts at a dart board.  Scripture about how bad I was and was being.  Scripture about needing to repent.  I did not ever, the many times this happened, ever believe I was wrong.  I did know however that unless I confessed to being wrong I would not be allowed to leave their presence.

So I did what any normal person did, I said I was sorry.  That never worked.  This is where she came in:  Judge, jury, and prosecutor!  I have memories of hearing endless statements that I really was not sorry.  That I was not truly repentant.  Even when I cried it was not enough.  I had to be broken, and broken is what I became.  Eventually I sobbed that I was so sorry.  Not saying sorry as in I made a mistake, but that I am a sorry individual, a real mess.  Only then was she satisfied that i was truly repentant.

It makes me sick now that those people who claimed to care had such hold on me and brought me to the point of no hope.  I didn’t know anything about religion, so I got sucked in easily.  I was needy and they are narcissistic.  I use present tense because they are still alive, still sucking the life out of people under the guise of a church and “real” christianity.  I left them long ago, but the loathing of self is still present.  It is almost intolerable at times, like in the evenings.  A lot of my abuse happened in the evenings.

Therapy is helping.  Maybe being open and writing about it more will help.  You see I am quiet even though I am an extrovert.  Silence is the only thing that kept me alive in many of the cult situations.  But I don’t have to be silent any more.  I don’t know how to share myself.  I don’t really know how to socialize, or make friends with people.  I prefer the safe zone.  Safe is where I keep my feelings inside and my tears too!  But not really because I am crying to be heard.  I feel better just writing this out.  I shall endeavor to be silent no more.

2 thoughts on “It Seems This Way

  1. You are so brave and strong to face these emotions and to work them through with your writing. I’m sorry we don’t get together more often and glad we will see each other at the support group. Hang in there, friend! You are a wonderful person and you have the right to have any expression on your face that you want to – all of them at any time!!!

I would enjoy a reply:)

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