Through the dark into the light!

I can say that life is not easy! life can really suck at times!  I feel that my mission is to be encouraging to my family, friends, and every one else.  I just finished this fantastic book by Hannah Brencher called, If You Find This Letter.

She writes her story about how she started writing love letters to people she didn’t know and how it has become her life’s mission.  I love the idea!  This world does need more love letters!  I am not talking about sex here!  I am talking about a true love letter to whom ever you see has the need or to whom ever you want to share encouragement!

That’s me, the encouragement part! I love to share uplifting words.  I’m not perfect for sure.  I do lack confidence in building relationships.  For much of my life I have pretended that I’m ok.  I put on the happy face.  I did it because I was afraid and felt shame at being so depressed.  I couldn’t turn to family because I believed they would not help me.  Even as a child I fought for my life.  And so it continued.  The truth is that sometimes I get to the point of exhaustion. Physically and emotionally. I was feeling guilty about not calling someone and a dear friend said to me that maybe I just need some me time.  True!  I spend a lot of my time making other people happy. I have a long list of “I shoulds”. Mostly it’s a to do list for stuff around the house.  Or making phone calls. Or getting things done like updating my will.  I procrastinate!  When I’m tired I am less likely to do a thing that needs to be done.  Is it fair that I have chronic fatigue or tiredness syndrome, lol.  That’s not the point.  I feel better when I say or write something nice to another person.  If I say something mean to another person then I cannot walk my life with dignity! Not that I don’t want to at times.

God is working in my heart to help and encourage me so that I can more help and encourage others.  Sometimes I get spiritually exhausted.  Does that make sense?  It does to me.  But then I have been spiritually abused. Abuse in any area makes life more difficult and more of a chance to challenge those difficulties.  I persevere!  I endure through trials and troubles, and that makes me happy!  I need to listen to my own words.  I need to listen, to hear what I am saying to others! I have been told good and wonderful things but I don’t hear mainly because of a slew of negative images about myself.

I can encourage others because I know they deserve it! I don’t know how to do that for myself.  I try at times but it really doesn’t sink in.  Sink in…oh boy, someone with the last name Sink told me this morning that I am (I won’t say it but it made me feel such a less than.)  This person is a trained professional who works for the VA and cannot be wrong.  It was so triggering because in the cult I could never be right; only the leaders could be right.  So many years of knowing that I was wrong, just wrong to the point of no hope. No more! I have hope, just not a lot, but it’s growing.  So thank you to all my family and friends who encourage me and who speak truthfully to me. My inspiration comes from myself because there is no other like me.  I am unique in my abuse, my recovery, my victories and successes. And thanks to God my lord and Savior Jesus Christ!