As my EX remains in control!!!

Another day, another burden, right.  Maybe so, but what could be worse than being sexually assaulted by your divorce attorney and then finding out that he’s a registered sex offender, and that my husband, now ex-husband knew this?!?  I thought being around him was the answer to my many troubles, when the truth is that being around him nearly destroyed my sanity.  You see, because he had consumed and controlled me so much when we were married, I thought that, “he still get’s what he wants from me” was normal, even though we were divorced.

Not quite 2 years after our divorce, I left Texas for good.  So between August of 2008 and March of 2010 my ex came to my home almost daily to be intimate with me.  Dear God, not because I wanted it, but because he wanted it and I did not know how to say, “NO!”  I didn’t want it that much when we were married, now that we were divorced…well, what was he thinking???  But even more, what was I thinking?  I was thinking I could not say “NO” to him.  He scared me into submission. I would say that he is a sick, sick man! Selfish to the core.  Whenever I asked if he could just hold, his answer was always, “NO”.  Not once in 14 years would he just hold me, just comfort me.  Well, he was saying no to me, but if I ever said “NO” to him you would know what a child he was in that he would turn his back on me, even for days!  I came up with a strategy to make him a peace offering which was oatmeal raisin cookies because that was his favorite.  But that was also saying that I was wrong, and that is what he wanted.  Thomas Marvin could not be wrong.  But he could lie.  And it was okay for him to make fun of other people, but don’t make fun of him.  Oh no, never make fun of him.  His insecurities are so huge that walking on eggshells was an understatement.

So what led me to marry him?  I fell in love.  Despite all the flaws and despite the warning in my inner being, I married him anyways.  I wish I could have stood up for myself.  Yet, I’m not even sure that I knew what I wanted.  I thought if I slept with him after we were divorced that he would want me back.  Now I am so grateful that he wanted a divorce.  I’m free to discover me and free to love a man who really is respectful of me and to me and who has not shown any signs of being like my ex.  Thank you God for bring Kevin into my life.  May our love reflect you in all that we do, amen!

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IT’S ABOUT TIME

I can’t even remember the last time that I wrote on my blog. Yes, I have been busy with life and all of it’s challenges and complexities. I wanted to start again, to declare a new start in my life, to declare a new beginning.  It’s not easy when depression reigns in my life.  This past week was one of the hardest I have been through and trust me I have been through many hard times. My depression was deep, much deeper than I wanted to admit.  When I did sit down with my case manager Julie on Monday, a flood of issues poured out.  One which has been so difficult and humiliating is my sexual abuse and what my ex husband did to me.

It’s time for me to speak up and be vocal about what happened.  I did not deserve what happened.  I was vulnerable and scared and let things happen that I wish I would have said NO to!  My divorce attorney sexually molested me at our final meeting where he delivered to me my final papers and his hands and mouth all over me.  He had a plan and wanted to keep seeing me.  No, I didn’t scream.  I froze.  I was afraid.  This was a man of authority.  I did not know what to do.  So I left after listening to his plans of our secret affair would be hidden from my ex.  But one thing I was sure of was that I was NEVER going to see that man again.  I called my now ex husband and told him what happened and said we needed to work out any future issues on our own and why.  He asked to come over.  Okay.  He came over and told me that my attorney, Jack Wendall Freize is a registered sex offended.  WHAT!  “Why didn’t you tell me?”  “I was angry”, was all he said.  My ex knew my history of sexual abuse yet he let his anger towards me jeopardize my sanity.  Who does such a thing?  (Hey I’m kinda pissed at my wife for having difficult issues, one of which is sexual abuse but I’m not going to tell her that the attorney she hired is a registered sex offender!).  What kind of animal does such a thing?.  Yes, I’m angry, I’m very angry, finally, truly angry at the horribleness of it all .  I did not deserve that nor what happened afterwards.

Of course the first thing I did was to look it up to see if it was true and it was.  Many will wonder how that he can be both a registered sex offender and an attorney.  From what I saw it has to do with the addresses he uses for his registration and for his work. And yes, I reported him to the Texas Barr Association, but they found no fault in him?!?!?! (Another good reason to stay out of Texas).  When I told my plans to post the notices around town so others could know the truth, my ex said I could NOT!  What?  Why? “We live in a small town and there are certain things you do and don’t do to stay alive.”

Initially no one suggested that I report him to the police.  As it happened, I was at church the next Sunday and ran into a Sheriff officer and asked if we could talk.  He said yes.  I explained what happened and YES, he told me to report it to the Police.  So I did.  When an officer came to take the report, he asked why I waited to report the incident which happened on a Wednesday and it was the next Monday?.  WHY? If anyone out there has struggled with sexual abuse you know there is learned helplessness that until dealt with rules your soul.

Please stay tuned as I (finally) share my story of abuse in small town Texas.  This will surely take several blogs.  Thank you for your support and encouragement through this process.  And, on a final note today, never let any unwanted, unwarranted touch go unreported.  Not every thing is our fault.  People hurt other people for many reasons!