I said in my last post after talking about pressing forward, that my next post would be about, “what it means to take a break”. At the time I did not expect to actually experience the need to take a break. It started with a cough and a fever. It was bad enough for me to go to Urgent Care to make sure that it was not bronchitis or pneumonia. After chest x-rays I was cleared to leave with a bottle of cough syrup in my hand which was supposed to help my cough become more productive. Well, it worked. Not only was my cough more productive, but my illness turned into a full blown head cold. More then anything I was exhausted and felt the need to rest. So rest I did. But, in the forefront of my mind, I could not help but wonder if the devil was after me. After all, it was ingrained in my mind through deceitful, sick thought reform techniques that sickness came from the devil. Also, even saying that you are sick was considered “glorifying the devil”. If that is the case then how do I tell others I am not feeling well? I was taught to say, “I’m catching a healing”. That way the other person understood I was ill in some way and instead of giving satan the glory, I was giving God the glory!
I struggled with those thoughts and mulled over what they now meant to me. I decided that being sick doesn’t mean I am in league with the devil, or that I’m oppressed by the devil, or that I have let the devil in and I need deliverance. Catching a cold is just that. It comes from a virus that is easily spread and passes fairly quickly. I am in league with God and He knows me and accepts me. I’m covered in His love.
Knowing this helped my anxiety and fears. And, even though I was worn out, I still, in my mind, was pressing forward. I knew that this sickness would pass and it mostly has. I want to thank my friends for encouraging me and for my landlady who gave me an herbal cider tea that was delicious and helped me feel so much better. Yet, i still struggle with thoughts of what is normal to the outside world and what is normal to me. The extreme thought control I was under has made life outside the cult very difficult. i hope to write more about this in the near future.