A poem about Jean, the co-leader with *Don Gallant, *destructive religious cult leader

Dear Jean,
Giver of death
Not life
Hater of…you put in the name
Lover of God?
How can that be?
Sick to the soul
Husband like her
Loves the law
Loves to be right
Can never be wrong
No, never wrong
What is love my dear sick Jean?
What is love?
Fearful of everything
Blind to the truth
Everything her way
Her way’s, “the right way”
There’s no other way
Don’t even think it
Even if you try
It won’t be right
You’ll never make it!
“You need us”
Time and again
“You need us”
Everyone else is wrong
They are deceived
Don’t go near them
They are wrong
They are deceived
Don’t go near them
They are wrong
We are right
You’ll be safe here
Safe with us
Trust us
We know what is best
We love you
Just say you are sorry!

Sorry for what I say – for being alive?

An afterthought:  I am not sorry that I am alive.  I no longer live under the rules of, “Don and Jean”.

what it means to take a break

I said in my last post after talking about pressing forward, that my next post would be about, “what it means to take a break”.  At the time I did not expect to actually experience the need to take a break.  It started with a cough and a fever.  It was bad enough for me to go to Urgent Care to make sure that it was not bronchitis or pneumonia.  After chest x-rays I was cleared to leave with a bottle of cough syrup in my hand which was supposed to help my cough become more productive.  Well, it worked.  Not only was my cough more productive, but my illness turned into a full blown head cold.  More then anything I was exhausted and felt the need to rest.  So rest I did.  But, in the forefront of my mind, I could not help but wonder if the devil was after me.  After all, it was ingrained in my mind through deceitful, sick thought reform techniques that sickness came from the devil.  Also, even saying that you are sick was considered “glorifying the devil”.  If that is the case then how do I tell others I am not feeling well?  I was taught to say, “I’m catching a healing”.  That way the other person understood I was ill in some way and instead of giving satan the glory, I was giving God the glory!

I struggled with those thoughts and mulled over what they now meant to me.  I decided that being sick doesn’t mean I am in league with the devil, or that I’m oppressed by the devil, or that I have let the devil in and I need deliverance.  Catching a cold is just that.  It comes from a virus that is easily spread and passes fairly quickly.  I am in league with God and He knows me and accepts me.  I’m covered in His love.

Knowing this helped my anxiety and fears.  And, even though I was worn out, I still, in my mind, was pressing forward.  I knew that this sickness would pass and it mostly has.  I want to thank my friends for encouraging me and for my landlady who gave me an herbal cider tea that was delicious and helped me feel so much better.   Yet, i still struggle with thoughts of what is normal to the outside world and what is normal to me.  The extreme thought control I was under has made life outside the cult very difficult.  i hope to write more about this in the near future.

pressing forward

Yesterday this phrase popped into my head.  “Pressing forward”.  I mulled over what that means to me and discovered a couple of simple metaphors.  I pictured my dog Bob, a 120 black Lab who never seemed to stop pressing forward when we were out for a walk.  He rarely stopped to smell the roses, so to speak.  He had a mindset that no matter what was before him, he was moving on, pressing forward, like how you picture a bulldog with the mindset of, “get out of my way because here I come”.   Then I pictured myself running through a cornfield with the towering plants surrounding me.  In that I can’t see outside the picture, but I can press through the rows of corn, getting prickled by the leaves as I go, but with the intent on getting through.  I must “press forward” despite the doubts and fears.  I must press forward through the doubts and fears.  I cannot see the complete picture before me, but I can imagine it.  Even when the ground is like sludge and I’m barely moving forward, at least I’m pressing on.

My next post – what it means to take a break.